Hello! Hey, it’s Me.

What do we do? The struggle…

Colin is 19 months old. Actually, he’s 19 1/2 months old. He doesn’t sleep through the night. He’s never slept through the night. He doesn’t even sleep the 2 month old version of “through the night” - 5 hours. He sleeps like 2 hours, then wakes up screaming. Sometimes he sleeps 1 hour, sometimes 1/2 hour, sometimes 5 minutes. Sometimes he does sleep 4 hours, but most often thats from bedtime until 12 p.m. - 1 a.m. Sometimes I nurse him. Sometimes he just gets water.

Sometimes we get angry. Sometimes we are mean to each other. Sometimes we yell. Sometimes we say the “F” word. Sometimes we sleep-walk. Sometimes we can’t fall back to sleep. Sometimes Chris gets up. Sometimes I get up. Always we get up with him. Always we are moody and short tempered. Always we are tired. Sometimes we can’t function correctly. Always we are forgetful.

So what do we do? What is the solution? How can we get more sleep? What will it take? Is it possible? Why are both of our children like this? How did we fuck them up?

You might need a back-story before I continue. (By the way, this is shaping up to be a long post, so get comfortable).

We have always practiced attachment parenting. We have read and relied heavily on the writings of the great Drs. Sears. This has always felt right to us and this is how I would categorize “intuitive parenting” for our family. We didn’t set out to follow some parenting schema; this is just how we ended up parenting when we listened to our instinct. I don’t know why it has a name; I don’t know why it isn’t just regular old “Parenting,” but alas, we are attachment parents.

We don’t like to hear our children cry. We minimize their crying as much as possible. We don’t like to foster negativity. I know, I know…you are saying right now - WHO DOES? Well, I think we’ve always gone to great lengths to be even more understanding and more compassionate to/with our children. We have never intentionally put them in situations that we knew would be uncomfortable. We have tried to follow their lead as much as possible. We have tried to meet their needs and help them develop into independent little beings by offering them a strong, safe and secure foundation.

Fast forward…back to the topic at hand…

So we are obviously at our wit’s end. We aren’t nice parents. I don’t like the mommy I am becoming; I don’t like the mommy I have been. I certainly don’t like the wife I’ve been. I don’t like to be irritable. I don’t like to use TV as a babysitter because I just can’t do it (whatever it is at the moment). I don’t like to be mean to my husband. I don’t like that I’ve gained weight. I don’t like not having any energy. I don’t like feeling stressed out. I don’t like feeling unmotivated.

Solution? We don’t have one…yet. But I just received Dr. Ferber’s book Solve your Child’s Sleep Problems from PaperbackSwap. I’ve been reading the first few chapters looking for a compassionate solution. Most if it is the “DUH” info - of course he can’t fall asleep on his own because I’ve nursed him and/or Chris has rocked him to sleep every night of his life. When he wakes in the middle of the night, we pat his back, give him water or I nurse him again. He has sleep crutches. I know that. But an I break these sleep crutches without crying? No.

So we’re thinking of Ferberizing (or Ferberizing) Colin. There have been many critiques and stories on Ferberizing. Is it good? Is it not good? Does it cause damage to the nervous system? Is it worth it? Has Dr. Ferber changed his tune? Will it damage my baby forever? The answers: No, Yes, Yes, No, Maybe, Yes - or at least, this is what I have always believed. This is what my gut tells me.

But something has to happen. Somehow I need more sleep. Somewhere along the line this all got fucked up. It wasn’t supposed to be like this this time. I wasn’t going to make the same “mistakes” I made with Delaney. It was supposed to be easier. What happened?

So the question still looms…WHAT DO WE DO? Yes, I have “No Cry Sleep Solution.” I even have “No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers,” both by Elizabeth Pantley. We did night wean Colin for the most part - from bedtime until 4 a.m. This doesn’t prevent him from waking up at 3 a.m., 3:15 a.m., 3:30 a.m., 3:45 a.m., 3:50 a.m., 3:55 a.m. and then 4 a.m. asking to nurse.

And if we do Ferberize him, how long will it take? Will I be able to handle it? Is he going to cry every night for the rest of his life? Am I setting up a bad precident? Am I damaging him forever? Part of me says “He is 19 months old…he has a level of understanding that a younger baby doesn’t have.” But then the other part says “He’s just a baby! And he will cry and cry and cry. Why do I want to to this to him?”

So the struggle continues. I keep waiting for him to grow out of this and start sleeping better. But I don’t know if I can wait that long.